Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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