if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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