Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
