i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
