once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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