proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Randomize
