he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
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