Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
