finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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