My Higher Power is John Stamos
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
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