How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
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Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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