I faked an abortion last night.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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