She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
