lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Randomize
