why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
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