am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
