My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
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