he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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