Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
