just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
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i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
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My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
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