I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
