As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
