Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
