When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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