but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
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This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
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Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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