On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
MIDGETS
????
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
