Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
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