I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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