So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
