i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Randomize
