I wish I only lived at night.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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