broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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