I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Randomize
