Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
