If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
