That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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