I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
