I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
