I love black thongs
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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