totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
We are all done wearing pants today
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
