Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
