she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
