alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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