guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
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