so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
cat food counts as protein by the way
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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