glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
honey bunches of taint.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
The Olympian is in my bed
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
