I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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