were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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