if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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