he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
