someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i just google imaged poop.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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