He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
