was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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