Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
