I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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