I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
