so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I'm passing your future prison.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
