Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
