so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
