I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
