I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Randomize
