hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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