FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
