I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
