It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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