I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
